There are moments in time when memories surface some funny, some sad, and some you think why in the world did that happen, or what was I thinking. Well tonight as I was watching for I do not know the 36th time, the movie Colors. If you have not seen it is was a movie in the late 80's or early 90's that dealt with the issue of gangs in L.A. Well what spark the momentary flashback, was the seen when one of the young men wanted to be jumped into his Neighborhood set or known as the barrio. I remember when I was approached to join a gang in the 9th grade. Yes this white boy was ask to join a Latino gang. Prior to this request I was apart of little group called a posse, so I had somewhat of a reputation, not one of great proportions, but some knew me. Well I remember when I said sure why not, what do I have to lose, I was looking for friends, a group to belong to. My initiation was like most gangs at that time you get jumped in. Basically you fight 3 or more guys to prove you can hold your own. Stupid, yes, but other cultures have other rights of passages to that you might think are stupid, nevertheless people do them to have a sense of belonging and achieving status within that group. We can discuss the sociological and psychology of this later. There I was in the guys restroom at Alder Jr. High taking on 3 guys throwing punches, pushing guys off me, being thrown into the stalls. It was a melee for about 2 minutes or so, I remember all I was doing smiling and laughing thinking wow is this all what there is to this. So at the end of it, I now belong to a set in little ol' Fontana. Really what was I thinking? Why didn't just join a sports team to belong? I came from a middle-class family at that time. I lived in a nice neighborhood. So why? What was the pull to that life? How could I be so selfish and endanger my family? Well to answer those questions, I look back and really didn't care at that moment if I did endanger my family, if I was being selfish. The pull was I look up to those guys that where in my classes, in my school, in my neighborhoods. I wanted to be like them, I did not want to be like my own family. What was the point they were selfish, meaning my parents. Always wanting things there way and I do not mean how they wanted chores done in the house. In how the related with each other and us kids. So I thought I be selfish as well. When one day I saw that what I needed to do for the set I belong to could one day harm my sisters, ones that I did care about, I decided to back out. Well if anyone knows something about gangs you just simply just do not walk away. Thankfully that the set I was apart of was still small and new it had no real structure to carry out discipline upon its members. though they did jump me to have me not "rank out" or back down for the set. But I was able to walk away without any repercussions.
Why blog about this time in life? The reason is my past is riddle of moments in which I have try to fit into other crowds of people to feel a sense of belonging. I never had that sense when I was growing up in my home. Yeah I knew I belonged for I was a son and there were parents, but never felt that there was solidarity in the family. Do you know what I mean? Now fast forward 18 years that sense still exists today with some family members. Mostly in regards to my mother. Most tell me she is your mom, you need to love her and honor her, for that is God command to you. I hear that, but I just don't see how I can honor someone that is not worth honoring. I know that sounds harsh, but if one could watch the film tapes on her behavior and actions one can conclude what I have concluded. I am really struggling in this area, for I want to but it is hard. Most likely due to a harden heart that does not want to be hurt anymore. But seriously it has been 7 years since I spoke with her. The reason being is that she still harbors ill feelings towards my father and kept bringing us children into the middle of those feelings. I said until she deals with those feelings and seeks reconciliation with my father, not in marriage for she has remarried, but forgives and seeks forgiveness I am going to stop all communications. Well I have live by my words and stood by a principle that many have question and I do at times. I am asking should I reach out again? Should I reach out and keep the same context as before? Should I just let her be and let God move her to reconcile relationships with my father... with me? I am just lost in drowning thoughts... What a way to start a fresh new year, huh? I just feel at this moment in time I never really was apart of my mothers community.
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