Baring ones innermost thoughts is something people just do not do for just any cause. This especially true of me at least. The issues that I have and deal with on a daily basis I do not broadcast for all to hear or comment about. I think for the simple reason I am afraid of what others might really think of me after they see the muck and mire I walk through each day. I long to connect with others that understand the pain that certain triggers or shall I say sayings from people, from the media, and from songs that invoke a ringing of a chime in my mind. This chiming is general not so quiet it usually loud and long bringing me to a point of frustration or a state of melancholy.
Others in this vast world face various issues that bring to a place of flight or fight. Preferring to take the road of least resistance I run more than I face. The comical aspect of running you never run away from yourself, so if that is true you never run away from the issues that you need to deal with so that your experience in this life can be enriched and be to some level of fulfilling. By now you may be wondering are not a professing believer in Christ Jesus? My answer is Yes! This fact does not take away pain that is deeply seeded within my existence. I am not just rambling for the sake of it, these thoughts are connected to a reoccurring theme, if you will, that is presenting itself to me for myself to change the past from becoming the future.
Here is my heart bare...
The pain is real, it aches to my deepest core but the words are loss in mix of turmoil. I know nothing of having a Father. I know who my father is, but have no knowing of what a Father is or even looks like. This lack of knowing affects my view of God the Father. It taints a correct correlation of who God the Father is and should be in my life. With that said, let me move to why my soul aches to share... There is a song entitled, "Cats in the Cradle and the Sliver Spoon". Written some 30 years ago. I have probably heard this song more times than I can remember. When I was 17ish I remember going to a midweek bible study at my church in Fontana, where the Pastor was speaking of the role of the father in the family. He played that song by Harry Chapin. At that moment I made the connection of what that song really meant. I remember praying that I did not want to become like my own father, due to that song was true in my relation to my father. Not that he was away on business trips, it was simply once I became older he just did not know how to connect, so he disconnected. Not to say either we did not speak, the relation was this: my father = parent + myself = son/child = guardian relation. What I mean the relationship was despondent to a relation of him being caretaker and not much else. When there was a need, he try to meet it, and when there was not a need there was a disconnect. I thought this was normal for all kids to have with their fathers. As I grew older the further our relationship grew apart. I must state my upbirnging was not always so drab, it had moments of sunshine.
This issue that I face is that I am afraid of becoming like my father. Just like the song states the son becomes like the father in many ways, in the same likeness I have become like my father. And this truth... leaves me asking why have I. Is it because I must endure the pain to break this link in this families history? Is it due to my lack of understanding of God's grace? Is it due I am weaker than I am strong? This fact keeps me interlocked into not pursuing a relationship that would eventually lead to a marriage then a family. Please do not misunderstand me I do not place blame on my father for my own actions, his actions has caused me to endeavor this plight. I am the only one that can surrender this course (my will) unto the the Almighty Father to steer me onto the right course.
It seems that when the times I have heard this song that has invoke strong feelings it has been at times when my dad and I have been in the same vicinity. In fact, it came on earlier this week when he and myself were fixing a problem I had with the radio in my car. It just got me to think am I truly reversing the issue that has plagued me. I wish I could answer with a solemn yes, but the truth is the closer I get to the point of breaking free I slip further back. Well that is at least how it feels. I pray for God's guidance to help me weave through the mire to understand what actions I must take to overcome my fear.
I long to be a Godly husband, a Godly father, a Godly man but I wonder is there a chance that I will become all that is expected of me.
This is my heart, bare, vulunerable, scared, but hopeful it will end with me.
Well if you have never heard the this song here is a link to see Harry Chapin play it live and give the reason in shy he wrote it. I echo his last remarks.
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